i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
