I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
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I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
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I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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