im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We are two peas in an std pod
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
