I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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