I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
