I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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