you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
