im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
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If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
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It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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