He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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