Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
