Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
