The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
