ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
