I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
