i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
