The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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