The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
