nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
