I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
