i can't believe i had my finger in that
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
