I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
where are my pants?
in the oven.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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