Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
