Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
