the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
