Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Welp...herpes.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
