I'm really into asian looking animals
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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