I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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