WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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