Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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