Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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