i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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