Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
