how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
