who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
