I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
