I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
