Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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