My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
