Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
