remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
