I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
