Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
