Pants 0. Shit 1.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
