im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i will never coherently bang her
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
