plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
