Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
