and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just invented taco cereal.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
