She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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