just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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