I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
