Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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