last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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