Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
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