How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
