What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
