you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I lost the right to judge tonight
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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